strong enough, sheryl crow

"you can't change the way i am. are you strong enough to be my man?"

Times Like These, Foo Fighters

"I am a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky
To hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
Do I stay or run away
And leave it all behind?

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again"

ashes, forehead, hands, hope

I sat with my father tonight and showed him photos from his wedding that he hasn't seen in over 50 years. I brought my laptop to the nursing home and placed it in front of him and said I had a surprise for him. He was a bit baffled by my mac and rambled with questions about how much something like this costs and how often do I use it and what do I use it for. I knew modern technology was impressive, but I knew what was about to unfold was far more impressive. I turned off the tv, slid my chair beside him, and popped open the screen. There before him was a striking photo of my mother staring at herself in a mirror--beautiful red hair, porcelain pale skin, gorgeous white wedding dress.

I asked, "do you remember this woman? Do you remember this day?"

All I can say is that the smile that took over his face took over my heart. I saw the "in love" glow that radiated in his face in those photos from 54 years ago. He gazed at the screen, at my mother, at the woman whom he affectionately *calls to this day* his BW: beautiful wife.

"I know her and I do remember this day."

I could honestly go on for hours about how beautiful this interaction was with him...but it was the observations that I made of him and he made of the photos that are most noteworthy. I showed him how to use the arrow key to move on to the next picture, and I watched his finger rest for minutes on the key before he pressed and moved from photo to photo. As he took in each photograph, it was as though he was taking in the moment itself.

"Maura, half of the people in these photos are dead...your mother is the most beautiful woman I know...look at my father, and my mother and my brothers...I had hair back then...look at your Aunt as a platinum blonde...only my one brother and I are left....I won't be around much longer, Maura...God bless you for showing me these..."

I am in awe of the love my father feels for my mother. After all that they have been through, his eyes have only seen her, his lips have only known her lips, his heart has only loved her. Nothing got in the way of that love but some hard bumps of life and when those smoothed out, they found how to love each other in the most pure, honest way possible. 56 years of loving the same person, without fail.

My father gave me hope this evening...hope that if I can see a love this deep, I may also experience it someday within my own heart.

After I packed up my mac, I kissed his forehead and almost smudged the ashes that mark his faith. He grabbed my hand. He didn't say anything, nor did I. But I could feel everything in his hand.

Hope is a damn powerful thing.

*Rumi*

How I love reading you before I fall asleep. You center me and ease me into dreams of flight and peace. Thank you, Rumi. Centuries have passed since you wrote down these words...did you ever imagine healing a 21st century woman as she drifts into her dreams?

“Oh soul,
you worry too much.
You have seen your own strength.
You have seen your own beauty.
You have seen your golden wings.
Of anything less,
why do you worry?
You are in truth
the soul, of the soul, of the soul.”

*and for the patient lover in me*:

"The way you make love is the way
God will be with you."

I Redefine you, Valentine!

I woke up this morning truly excited about it being Valentine's Day, which is a bit peculiar considering I'm single and freshly burned from love. But when it comes down to it, LOVE is so much bigger than a "single special someone" and I've not only learned to recognize that today, but to recognize and celebrate it more often than ever as of late.

So I'm going to make this a platform for all the Valentines I hold dear to my heart. If I was in second grade, I would drop a cute little CareBear card into your Valentine shoebox, all decked out with hearts and candy and love graffati!

Happy Valentine's Day Mama: You are my favorite Valentine, mostly because you are the most amazing woman I know and you were born on Valentine's Day! You have taught me unconditional love and I aspire to relate to others the way you do, reaching out only with love, regardless of the situation.

Happy Valentine's Day Papa: I feel your love more than ever now, and almost losing you made us all realize how deep our love for you goes. Thank you for all the plays you took me to and all the traveling adventures we took-they taught me the art of living and the art of loving.

Happy Valentine's Day Sisters: You are my female blood buddies and I have a hunch one of you may save my life in the next few years. Each one of you has taught me what it means to love my body, love my spirit, and love family in a purely giving fashion. You come to my shows more than anyone and that means the world to me.

Happy Valentine's Day Brothers: You teased me, broke me, beat me, and yelled a lot at me. And now you hold me in your home, hold me in conversations, and hold me at my most weakest moments. You have taught me what it means to provide for the ones we love and the importance of balance in doing so.

Happy Valentine's Day Nieces and Nephews: You are my life force. In so many ways, you are the babies I never had. I have fed you, changed you, sang you to sleep, teased you, played dress up with you, made forts with you, driven up mountains with you, watched you blossom into young adults, into parents, into amazing people living life to the fullest. You teach me about how deep love runs for someone when it starts from their first day of life.

Happy Valentine's Day Old Friends: My golden girls! I love that weeks and months go by, yet when we get together we can giggle and gab like we are back in fifth grade. I have turned out so different from all of you, yet I feel so rooted in your company. Thank you for loving me through all my changes and believing in me through all the ups and downs.

Happy Valentine's Day My Dearest Lauren: You are the queen bee of my honey comb. I am grateful for how you helped me discover who I truly am and how you continue to get me unlike any human being I know. Thank you for the music, the movies, the books, the poetry, the conversations--everything you share with me makes me a better human being.

Happy Valentine's Day Daily New&Old Friends: *Kate, Alec, Heidi, Staci, Stephanie, Mikki, Laura, Angelisa, Robyn, Kristine, Arndt, Mike, Bob, Christina, Courtney, Hillary, Jimmy, Jeff* You are my daily laughter, my daily insights, my daily inspiration, my daily dinner dates, my daily phone calls that last an hour, my daily hugs, my daily crush when I need to crush, my daily source of support when I'm feeling my world tumble, my daily bridge to making my dreams come true. Thank you for listening, for keeping my faith alive, for helping me to believe more in my dreams, for drinking wine with me and not taking advantage of me even though you easily could!

Happy Valentine's Day Ex's: I learned a lot about love and myself from you. You have a place on my list, cause you have a place in my heart.

Happy Valentine's Day Fans: A new Valentine for sure. But last night I realized, without you, my dream wouldn't really get that far.

And this is why Valentine's Day is so flipping exciting! I have a lot of love to celebrate! AMEN!

Tom Robbins is Genius

“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.” -Tom Robbins from Still Life with Woodpecker

in the eye

my heart is nestled

in the eye of this hurricane.

(it feels like outer space.

no sound, no gravity, no traffic, no texts.

a vacuum from disaster.)

steady beats and clarity glow

against a messy horizon you sketched

with your confused pen.

yellow tape, orange cones frame a home.

it was ours, wasn’t it?

you know my love is a patient bug.

(caterpillars move slow

before becoming butterflies.)

we made music in the living room,

the kitchen,

the bed.

even the lawn got landscaped.

did you really give up on our cup of coffee?

are you just out for tea with a good friend?

when you return

(because you really should)

you can find me in the tool shed.

where is the hammer?

where are the nails?

where are my glasses, dear?

where are the pieces that make sense?

a tool belt hangs on my waist

just below my calm heart.