begin.

Detox tea to the right of me. Peanut butter toast to the left. Smelly dogs by my toes.

And I am turning 32 in two days.

Which amounts to 32 candles. That is sixteen more than the sixteen Molly Ringwald had in 16 Candles. Oh to be sixteen again. My heart actually still skips like I'm 16 some days. Yes, my heart skips, my back cracks, and my butt...is as white as it was at 16. The sun just don't shine on some spots.

What will 32 be like? Does one year really make a difference in who we are?

The great thing about having a birthday 3 days after New Years is that you really become aware of time and the changes that you want/need to make in response to the marked change in time. It's a new year, so what am I going to do differently? And NOW, it's my birthday, so REALLY, what am I going to do differently?

So I present a list. Of things I want to change. Of things I want to do. Of things I want to do differently.

1. Change my job.
2. Find a new job that I believe in, that has good health benefits, and doesn't suck the life from me. (hopefully 2 comes before 1, to avoid stress.)
3. Say "yes" more often. (thank you jim carrey.)
4. Not think so much about people who could care less about me.
5. Raise a puppy. (baby steps to a baby.)
6. Work out. My heart and head need to be stimulated more in 2009.
7. Make more time to woo Jamie.
8. Pick up my guitar and trust that I am meant to do something with it.
9. Be more involved in my nieces' lives and infuse them with fearlessness and hope.
10. Tell my father.
11. Let go of my failing kidney and focus on what isn't failing in my body.
12. Get a new tattoo.
13. Travel more. Go to places on a whim, and let it fuel me with more awareness/awakeness.
14. Make the most out of the last 6 months at my job by knowing I am making a difference, regardless of the fact I don't see it.
15. Don't put a foot out the door when I'm scared.
16. Don't put an arm, a finger, or a toe out the door when I'm scared.
17. Eat less, more often instead of eating more, less often.
18. Drink more water.
19. Walk the dogs...even the chihuahua, who I struggle to recognize as a dog.
20. See my father more. See him at least 3 times a week. Because 3 times is not enough. Nor is 6 times. Nor is 7 times when he lives in a nursing home, after raising 9 children and over a dozen grandchildren.
21. Finish the plays I started years ago.
22. Do something with the plays after I finish them.
23. Finish the attic. Sooner than later. We need a space to be creative.
24. Propose.
25. Go to the dentist.
26. Find a new bass player.
27. Learn to play the ukulele.
28. Learn the play the harmonica.
29. Continue learning to play the guitar and piano.
30. Find a therapist that challenges more than pampers.
31. Record. Record. Record. Without fear.
32. Find God again...at least be more open to all that is bigger than me, again and again and again and again and again.