I had dinner with my mother this evening. At the close of a truly fantastic weekend, we found ourselves deeply engrossed in fun, quirky conversation. At one point during the dinner, it became apparent that the waitress was paying quite a lot of attention to us. I didn't think too much about it until my mother made a comment about how she specifically catered to me. It dawned on me that she had brought a full side of extra asparagus, saying she "felt bad that one of them slipped off the plate", brought me 2 refills when I had yet to finish my first glass, and came back at least 4 times to ask how everything was. I just assumed she was new and was eager to please.
And then she winked at me.
I said to my mother, "I think the waitress is hitting on me."
"But which one of you would be the boy?"
Suddenly I found myself in a conversation with my 77 year old mother, bridging generational gaps, as well as homosexual and heterosexual gaps, regarding intimacy and sex.
I found myself delicately describing how intimacy doesn't require a gender role, that sex between women doesn't require someone being a boy and someone being a girl. That depending on a mood or an emotional desire, someone may feel the need to be in control or be controlled, but that isn't necessarily gender specific. I described my own sex life. I was open and frank about how I've come to understand intimacy over the past ten years. Regardless of sex between two women, two men, or a man and a woman, it is truly best when two people are driven by the desire to please the other. If two lovers focus on giving the most of themselves intimately, then gender roles aren't really the focus. Pleasure is the focus of good intimacy. I've had bad intimacy and I explained why. It wasn't because of confusion over who was the boy and who was the girl. It was because of confusion in the heart to truly be open and giving as a lover.
I told my mother that I'm certainly not an expert, but I did need to clarify that intimacy is so much more than someone being the boy and someone being the girl. And after she thought about it, and thought about her own experiences, she concurred. Sex is an act of giving. Of body and spirit.
The cute waitress catered to me during dinner, and that not only made me blush, but it made me feel good. It's the simple act of giving that makes intimacy a beautiful thing. When I've catered to lovers in the past, I felt good. Some may look at how I expressed myself intimately and say, "oh, you're being the girl" or "oh, you're being the boy" but I think that's totally missing the point. And after a lovely conversation with my mother, I think she would take delight in explaining the point.