Thursday, August 12, 2010

Fare thee well 32 candles, hello Bean!

Howdy all!

This blog has been neglected, and has fizzled into the past.

Follow me here:

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

i'm a true romantic

Amy Ray. True Romantic.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

A Good Woman

"A good woman will pick you apart
A box full of suggestions for your possible heart
But you may be offended and you may be afraid
But don’t walk away, don’t walk away"
-Bright Eyes

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Integrity over Desire

(Ani DiFranco)

Im holding here a book
Notable, but not the greatest
Stolen for me by the latest
In a long line of thieves
And I'm just about to drop it
Down that manhole of memories
When I realize it doesn't bother me
Like love's mementos usually do
And I look up to see who's different here
The latest me or the latest you

Course, you're the kind of guy who doesn't lie
He just doctors everything
Chooses some unassuming finger
And quietly moves his wedding ring
Who rewrites his autobiography
For any pretty girl who'll sing
But you can't fool the queen, baby
Cuz I married the king

And maybe it was I who betrayed his majesty
With no opposite reality
Like a puddle with no reflection
Of the sky or the trees
But after my dreaded beheading
I tied that sucker back on with a string
And I guess I'm pretty different now

I kissed you on the street that night
On the far side of four
But I didn't like the taste
In my mouth or yours
And ignoring the persona you wore for my benefit
For once I had the balls to call it
Just call it
But a lesson must be lived
In order to be learned
And the clarity to see and stop this now
That is what I've earned

And maybe it was I who betrayed his majesty
With no opposite reality
Like a puddle with no reflection
Of the sky or the trees
But after my dreaded beheading
I tied that sucker back on with a string
And I guess I'm pretty different now

I'm holding here a book
Notable, but not the greatest
Stolen for me by the latest
In a long line of thieves
And I'm just about to drop it
Down that manhole of memories
When I realize it doesn't bother me
And heartache not so dire
Cuz I looked up to see integrity
Finally won over desire

Thursday, April 8, 2010


"Today a new sun rises for me;
everything lives, everything is animated,
everything seems to speak to me of my passion,
everything invites me to cherish it."

-Anne De Lenclos

Monday, April 5, 2010

*why i'm in love with life*

*i felt the baby move for 20 minutes straight last night. i sang to her. i talked to her. and she moved. and moved. and moved.*

*i'm sitting in a coffee shop, down the street from my new home. drinking black coffee, making mixes for good people, and realizing how good spring break is.*

*i woke up and did yoga for 45 minutes. windows were open and birds were chirping.*

*i live with two very driven, centered women who have embraced my being with warmth and support. one loves to cook, the other loves to hike with dogs. i'm totally in love with home.*

*i'm fully realizing how much i needed change and fully feeling how good change is when it's right.*

*my cd is in the process of being mastered, and i've come to a genuine place of appreciation for what i've created.*

*as i'm writing this, a dear co-worker walked into the coffee shop and just gave me the biggest "welcome to the neighborhood" hug. i really feel a sense of being EXACTLY where i need to be.

*i sat beside a friend's daughter yesterday and she kissed my shoulder and arms repeatedly, only to hear 2 hours later that she doesn't do that with many people. i felt love, in its more pure, unaffected form.*

*i had my stitches removed. FINALLY! have a mini-crush on the dr. who did the magic.*

*my theater project is getting some footing, and that's promising.*

*dear co-worker from above (who just gave me a hug) surprised me-came back with pizza from stone oven and we just spent the last hour talking about music.*

*i slept in my own bed last night (haven't for 5 months) and woke up staring at the space i have defined as my own. i love what i saw.*

Saturday, April 3, 2010


I am moving.

I am moving.

I am moving.

I am exactly where I need to be.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

how to remember love

my favorite lines:

"she tied you to a kitchen chair
she broke your throat and she cut your hair
and from your lips she drew the hallelujah"

"love is not a victory march"

"remember when i moved in you
and the holy dove was moving too
and every breath we drew was hallelujah"

"all i ever learned from love
was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya"

Thursday, March 25, 2010


sometimes the world works in really, really mysterious ways. when you least expect it, you may find yourself in a situation you never saw coming. regardless of how strong the inclination may be to ask how or why, the best reaction turns out to be acceptance. it is in acceptance where i find my core radiates. as hard as it may be for me to get there, once i am there, i know i function at my best. life is kept in perspective and love flows freely, from my fingertips to my toes.

as challenging as this adventure may be (watching someone i love in pain is both emotionally AND physically difficult for me), i trust that its been offered to me from a higher power/place and i approach it with a deep sense of awareness. i know my heart is about to open up more than it has in years...perhaps, it will open up more than it ever has. in all honestly, i feel it already doing so. more than ever, i trust the value of my role in another person's life and i'm embracing it with great loyalty.

placing my hands on the belly of someone i love and feeling the life of a little girl move within is unbelieveably incredible. knowing that i am going to be the key support person--coaching, calming, assuring, and guiding--is the biggest honor i've had in my life.

i feel blessed. i feel alive. i feel so excited that i am going to be present for the birth of a child. it's something i've wanted to do since i was ten and now, at thirty-three, i will.

i'm getting music ready. i'm reading every doula piece of literature i can find. and i'm exercising--this is going to be an emotional, physical, and spiritual event!

8 weeks isn't too far away.

*please god, don't let me faint!*

Tuesday, March 16, 2010


i am running
a half-marathon
of healing

a mile for forgiveness
a mile for understanding
a mile for sticking up for what is right
a mile for dignity
a mile for letting go
a mile for all those words said and written, but not lived
a mile for dreams, created and lost
a mile for mascara stained pillows
a mile for sensitivity, offered and robbed
a mile for dancing to songs we shared
a mile for pictures taken and taken down
a mile for music inspired by our touch
a mile for closure

7/64 of a mile for hope
that if we cross paths
we are bigger
than what we have been.

i am running
and may never stop.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

"But Who's The Boy?" A Conversation with Mother

I had dinner with my mother this evening. At the close of a truly fantastic weekend, we found ourselves deeply engrossed in fun, quirky conversation. At one point during the dinner, it became apparent that the waitress was paying quite a lot of attention to us. I didn't think too much about it until my mother made a comment about how she specifically catered to me. It dawned on me that she had brought a full side of extra asparagus, saying she "felt bad that one of them slipped off the plate", brought me 2 refills when I had yet to finish my first glass, and came back at least 4 times to ask how everything was. I just assumed she was new and was eager to please.

And then she winked at me.

I blushed.

I said to my mother, "I think the waitress is hitting on me."

Her response?

"But which one of you would be the boy?"

Suddenly I found myself in a conversation with my 77 year old mother, bridging generational gaps, as well as homosexual and heterosexual gaps, regarding intimacy and sex.

I found myself delicately describing how intimacy doesn't require a gender role, that sex between women doesn't require someone being a boy and someone being a girl. That depending on a mood or an emotional desire, someone may feel the need to be in control or be controlled, but that isn't necessarily gender specific. I described my own sex life. I was open and frank about how I've come to understand intimacy over the past ten years. Regardless of sex between two women, two men, or a man and a woman, it is truly best when two people are driven by the desire to please the other. If two lovers focus on giving the most of themselves intimately, then gender roles aren't really the focus. Pleasure is the focus of good intimacy. I've had bad intimacy and I explained why. It wasn't because of confusion over who was the boy and who was the girl. It was because of confusion in the heart to truly be open and giving as a lover.

I told my mother that I'm certainly not an expert, but I did need to clarify that intimacy is so much more than someone being the boy and someone being the girl. And after she thought about it, and thought about her own experiences, she concurred. Sex is an act of giving. Of body and spirit.

The cute waitress catered to me during dinner, and that not only made me blush, but it made me feel good. It's the simple act of giving that makes intimacy a beautiful thing. When I've catered to lovers in the past, I felt good. Some may look at how I expressed myself intimately and say, "oh, you're being the girl" or "oh, you're being the boy" but I think that's totally missing the point. And after a lovely conversation with my mother, I think she would take delight in explaining the point.

Monday, March 8, 2010

goodnight sweet sentra

Oh little me. I must admit that I have always struggled a bit with change. Sometimes, regardless of how exciting or right the change is, I find myself with boxing gloves, shouting "hell no, I won't go." Perhaps it's the romantic in me that clings to what I hold dear, regardless of how bad it may be for me. Case in point--I cried when I said goodbye to my car on Saturday. I literally had tears in my eyes over a piece of metal that I had to have towed into the car dealership. Most people would be like, "thank god this piece of crap is gone--give me something new!" Me? Not so much. I had to go through a ritual of closure with my car. I took pictures of her-she looked so vulnerable and miserable beside the shiny, new vehicles. I took time (a good ten minutes) staring at her and remembering the places she carried me to, the amazing whoopie I had in her, the moments in her when my heart was broken, and the moments I sang at the top of my lungs on our tour through Ohio. She got me home safely, every time....even the times I pulled in praying she would make it up the driveway. I imagined what she would say to me if she could actually speak. I think it would go something like this:

"I love you. I loved you the moment you picked me out from the rest and called me your "pussy inferno." I loved that the day after you got me, I carried you all the way to Michigan, for your first Michfest, and I eased your anxiety about traveling by yourself because I was the safest, most secure piece of metal you ever owned. I loved that I was there when you had your heart broken by your first true love, how she left me and you in tears. I loved that I saw you grow beyond that moment. And I love that I have seen you grow again and again through challenges, be it a broken heart, a broken kidney, a broken ego. I love that you risked having sex in me, but should tell you that people did notice when I rocked back and forth. I love that you are about to embark on a new journey. I love who you are and I know I will no longer be the one to carry you, but I see who's come to fill my tires and I trust in my engine that she is the best thing for you. So let me go to the junk yard knowing that nothing will ever replace the 8 years we had together. Remember me and put down the boxing gloves--embrace the changes that lie ahead of you."

So with a new car, a new home around the corner, a new job on the horizon, and a new attitude, I am embracing change and allowing myself closure. I'm saying goodnight, loving the sunset and moon that close the day, and falling asleep with hope. The boxing gloves are in a box, in the closet.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

daily advice to self

dance in kitchen.

slide across linoleum floor.

sing into spoon.

Monday, March 1, 2010

2 poems and a song


the day began with information overload.
took me in perverse reverse to a settled fairytale that suddenly felt more Grimm.

how do you do, past?
i have loved and said goodbye,
yet here you bring me headlines that turn the volume up on my aching tits.

only a bit of my heart screams.
maybe just the left ventricle.
joy pumps through most of the rest.

it's just the newly engaged was such a lovely swan
and could lick the salt on my skin with the softest of tongues.
(i believe angels kissed her mouth with lover's chap stick.)

i would offer to sing at the wedding,
but seeing her has always left me
crossing my legs.

she was the ink a poet's pen dips in.
once you dip,
you never forget.
she stains fingertips fluorescent.

(i just told a lass how she used to play tiger and growl into my neck.
sweet little bride.

oh tiger, i tip my hat to you.
i bid you adieu.
do send a christmas card of you and the cubs.

*toes and destiny*

i can feel my toes tapping deeper into my destiny.

big toes tap, curl, embrace

what these moments are,

what those moments were,

and what moments lie ahead.

"What makes me think I can start clean slated, the hardest to learn was the least complicated."
-Indigo Girls

Thursday, February 25, 2010

loyal friend

Last night I visited with an old friend. I'm not quite sure if she's aware of the role she's played in my life, but I was reminded of how extremely valuable she is (and was) to me after spending an hour with her. She's one of those individuals that is extremely reflective--her brain probably never shuts up. She's quite self-obsessed, but I realized that her self-obsession is what gives her the ability to do what she does, and being so has helped her change history. I watched her move, I watched her hands, her mouth...she's got the same mannerisms she had when we first met. The only thing that's different is her energy. It doesn't have that crack-like, non-stop electricity. It's still there, but just comes through in waves. It's been 15 years tho--who doesn't slow down a little in that time?

Listening to her made me realize the impact she had on my development as a woman. I was reminded of the strength she embedded in me at her poetry pulled me into a new world of self-definition and understanding. I didn't have to be a pretty little girl who would marry someone from my hometown and start popping out babies at 23. That's what most women around me did, but I knew I wanted something more. She made me realize I could be more, because she was more.

She's a go-getter. She started following her dream at 14 and has created her own empire based upon the work she started as a teenager. How many people have that kind of follow through these days? It reminds me of the immigrants who came over at the turn of the last century--"we had nothing but a dream and we worked and worked and worked until that dream became a reality." And the reality that she has built is beautiful. It's complex. It probably has a few loop holes. But the foundation and core of her working reality is an undeniable balance to an industry that has sold women out on surface appeal. And this balanced work has longevity. I stood beside sweaty teenagers last night, college girls who (in unison forgot to wear deodorant) have just discovered her. I watched how the girls watched her and felt like I was peering into a mirror image of me at 19. I watched them stare at her, yearn to be her, fantasize of being in bed with her, yearn to make their mark like her. She is crossing over into a new generation. I witnessed this and was in awe.

Like she has so many, many times, she spoke to me last night. She gently reminded me that the world is a damn beautiful place, and even the shitty, ugliness of people can be a beautiful thing. She helped me fall back in love with my life, back in love with the complexity of what it means to love, back in love with understanding the nature of people and the personal strings we let them pull.

Ani DiFranco. I may not connect to her the way I did years ago, but I can tap into the history of that connection in an instant while in her presence. I am a loyal fan. Somehow, though we have never truly met, I believe in and love her like a loyal friend.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

where there is loss, there is gain

I had a very inspiring conversation around midnight last night. Normally, my body and brain would be exhausted and ready to shut down and be asleep by ten, but lately I'm compelled to stay awake, connecting with people dear to me, reading, and/or writing....things that I've come to realize are essential to my well being and growth. The conversation started off with honest, from-the-gut laughter which erupted simply by the greeting we gave to one another. I could have had the worst day of my life and the first 3 minutes of the conversation would have saved it from being so. But it was what came in the next hour of the conversation that really got my wheels turning.

We talked about our days, we talked about dating, we talked about music, book ideas, website ideas, yoga, healing, our breakups. And almost simultaneously, we had a striking realization. What dawned on us was this: the loss of something dear to us is what brought us if the universe itself said, "I'm taking something away from you, but I'm giving you this...and you will find that only through such a loss will you realize how much more you needed and how much more you have gained." The funny thing about this realization is that it had been building in both of us for days and suddenly the magic of a deeply rooted conversation opened our eyes to the gifts we have been given. We are redefining ourselves, we are reconnecting with the strength and dreams within us, we are rediscovering the power of female bonding and friendship, and we are building hope in ourselves and in each other. Who would have thought that an experience of loss would open the flood gates to such gain?

A year ago, this midnight conversation would never have been possible for me and it's these conversations, these human connections, these intimate moments of honesty and sharing that are my life force--they are my fuel as an artist, my fuel as a passionate individual, my fuel as a friend, lover, daughter, sister, Aunt, singer, teacher, dancer, risk-taker, runner, traveler, dreamer....and all the many, many other things I am and/or want to be.

The universe has so much to offer me. I am on a quest to keep all my doors open to the gifts it brings, be it through loss, be it through pain...there is much to be gained.

Monday, February 22, 2010

New Camera!

Im a little geeked up about my latest gift. I have been researching cameras for quite a while now and finally took the leap. I had considered a number of different cameras-Nikon, Sony, Casio, Olympus. I even considered DSLR's in these brands. But when it came down to it, I really prefer the ease of a little camera that I can carry in my back pocket. So, after much deliberation and a spontaneous AND lovely sale of the week at Target, I now own a Canon Power Shot SD780 IS Digital Elph. I almost went with the higher model, but the size and feel of this baby in my hand was love at first feel. She's smooth, compact, and I'm digging all her options. The pics above are little sampling of our first dates!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Times Like These, Foo Fighters

"I am a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky
To hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
Do I stay or run away
And leave it all behind?

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again"

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

ashes, forehead, hands, hope

I sat with my father tonight and showed him photos from his wedding that he hasn't seen in over 50 years. I brought my laptop to the nursing home and placed it in front of him and said I had a surprise for him. He was a bit baffled by my mac and rambled with questions about how much something like this costs and how often do I use it and what do I use it for. I knew modern technology was impressive, but I knew what was about to unfold was far more impressive. I turned off the tv, slid my chair beside him, and popped open the screen. There before him was a striking photo of my mother staring at herself in a mirror--beautiful red hair, porcelain pale skin, gorgeous white wedding dress.

I asked, "do you remember this woman? Do you remember this day?"

All I can say is that the smile that took over his face took over my heart. I saw the "in love" glow that radiated in his face in those photos from 54 years ago. He gazed at the screen, at my mother, at the woman whom he affectionately *calls to this day* his BW: beautiful wife.

"I know her and I do remember this day."

I could honestly go on for hours about how beautiful this interaction was with him...but it was the observations that I made of him and he made of the photos that are most noteworthy. I showed him how to use the arrow key to move on to the next picture, and I watched his finger rest for minutes on the key before he pressed and moved from photo to photo. As he took in each photograph, it was as though he was taking in the moment itself.

"Maura, half of the people in these photos are dead...your mother is the most beautiful woman I know...look at my father, and my mother and my brothers...I had hair back then...look at your Aunt as a platinum blonde...only my one brother and I are left....I won't be around much longer, Maura...God bless you for showing me these..."

I am in awe of the love my father feels for my mother. After all that they have been through, his eyes have only seen her, his lips have only known her lips, his heart has only loved her. Nothing got in the way of that love but some hard bumps of life and when those smoothed out, they found how to love each other in the most pure, honest way possible. 56 years of loving the same person, without fail.

My father gave me hope this evening...hope that if I can see a love this deep, I may also experience it someday within my own heart.

After I packed up my mac, I kissed his forehead and almost smudged the ashes that mark his faith. He grabbed my hand. He didn't say anything, nor did I. But I could feel everything in his hand.

Hope is a damn powerful thing.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


How I love reading you before I fall asleep. You center me and ease me into dreams of flight and peace. Thank you, Rumi. Centuries have passed since you wrote down these words...did you ever imagine healing a 21st century woman as she drifts into her dreams?

“Oh soul,
you worry too much.
You have seen your own strength.
You have seen your own beauty.
You have seen your golden wings.
Of anything less,
why do you worry?
You are in truth
the soul, of the soul, of the soul.”

*and for the patient lover in me*:

"The way you make love is the way
God will be with you."

Sunday, February 14, 2010

I Redefine you, Valentine!

I woke up this morning truly excited about it being Valentine's Day, which is a bit peculiar considering I'm single and freshly burned from love. But when it comes down to it, LOVE is so much bigger than a "single special someone" and I've not only learned to recognize that today, but to recognize and celebrate it more often than ever as of late.

So I'm going to make this a platform for all the Valentines I hold dear to my heart. If I was in second grade, I would drop a cute little CareBear card into your Valentine shoebox, all decked out with hearts and candy and love graffati!

Happy Valentine's Day Mama: You are my favorite Valentine, mostly because you are the most amazing woman I know and you were born on Valentine's Day! You have taught me unconditional love and I aspire to relate to others the way you do, reaching out only with love, regardless of the situation.

Happy Valentine's Day Papa: I feel your love more than ever now, and almost losing you made us all realize how deep our love for you goes. Thank you for all the plays you took me to and all the traveling adventures we took-they taught me the art of living and the art of loving.

Happy Valentine's Day Sisters: You are my female blood buddies and I have a hunch one of you may save my life in the next few years. Each one of you has taught me what it means to love my body, love my spirit, and love family in a purely giving fashion. You come to my shows more than anyone and that means the world to me.

Happy Valentine's Day Brothers: You teased me, broke me, beat me, and yelled a lot at me. And now you hold me in your home, hold me in conversations, and hold me at my most weakest moments. You have taught me what it means to provide for the ones we love and the importance of balance in doing so.

Happy Valentine's Day Nieces and Nephews: You are my life force. In so many ways, you are the babies I never had. I have fed you, changed you, sang you to sleep, teased you, played dress up with you, made forts with you, driven up mountains with you, watched you blossom into young adults, into parents, into amazing people living life to the fullest. You teach me about how deep love runs for someone when it starts from their first day of life.

Happy Valentine's Day Old Friends: My golden girls! I love that weeks and months go by, yet when we get together we can giggle and gab like we are back in fifth grade. I have turned out so different from all of you, yet I feel so rooted in your company. Thank you for loving me through all my changes and believing in me through all the ups and downs.

Happy Valentine's Day My Dearest Lauren: You are the queen bee of my honey comb. I am grateful for how you helped me discover who I truly am and how you continue to get me unlike any human being I know. Thank you for the music, the movies, the books, the poetry, the conversations--everything you share with me makes me a better human being.

Happy Valentine's Day Daily New&Old Friends: *Kate, Alec, Heidi, Staci, Stephanie, Mikki, Laura, Angelisa, Robyn, Kristine, Arndt, Mike, Bob, Christina, Courtney, Hillary, Jimmy, Jeff* You are my daily laughter, my daily insights, my daily inspiration, my daily dinner dates, my daily phone calls that last an hour, my daily hugs, my daily crush when I need to crush, my daily source of support when I'm feeling my world tumble, my daily bridge to making my dreams come true. Thank you for listening, for keeping my faith alive, for helping me to believe more in my dreams, for drinking wine with me and not taking advantage of me even though you easily could!

Happy Valentine's Day Ex's: I learned a lot about love and myself from you. You have a place on my list, cause you have a place in my heart.

Happy Valentine's Day Fans: A new Valentine for sure. But last night I realized, without you, my dream wouldn't really get that far.

And this is why Valentine's Day is so flipping exciting! I have a lot of love to celebrate! AMEN!

Friday, February 12, 2010

Tom Robbins is Genius

“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.” -Tom Robbins from Still Life with Woodpecker

Friday, January 29, 2010

in the eye

my heart is nestled

in the eye of this hurricane.

(it feels like outer space.

no sound, no gravity, no traffic, no texts.

a vacuum from disaster.)

steady beats and clarity glow

against a messy horizon you sketched

with your confused pen.

yellow tape, orange cones frame a home.

it was ours, wasn’t it?

you know my love is a patient bug.

(caterpillars move slow

before becoming butterflies.)

we made music in the living room,

the kitchen,

the bed.

even the lawn got landscaped.

did you really give up on our cup of coffee?

are you just out for tea with a good friend?

when you return

(because you really should)

you can find me in the tool shed.

where is the hammer?

where are the nails?

where are my glasses, dear?

where are the pieces that make sense?

a tool belt hangs on my waist

just below my calm heart.