So I'm on summer break. It is the biggest bonus after battling an extremely stressful school year. And I am enjoying the freedom of sleeping in past seven, eating in peace, reconnecting with friends and family. And furthering my music, which was my goal was throughout the year. Recording is almost done. I have a title for the cd. I have a design concept for it too. And I have a mini NYC trip in the works to help get exposure outside of Cleveland. These are all good things. And yet, I feel overwhelmed by the lack of structure. I wake up and go, "what the hell am I going to do with my day?" Perhaps the number of options is what overwhelms me?
I wake up, and before I have the inclination to work on getting things done with my art or my body (I should be going to the gym right NOW) I sit and overwhelm myself with all the things that I should be doing around the house. The attic, the basement, the closet, the kitchen. I feel like a trapped housewife. And the horrible reality of it is: I'm trapping myself. How ridiculous am I?
I think at my core, I crave productivity. I am not fond of being lazy. When there are things around me that need to be done, I feel the responsibility to do them. ALL of them. But it gets messy when I feel compelled to do housework over doing the things that I truly should be doing with my free time. I have an internal voice that is saying, "you only have so much time on this earth...how are you making your mark?" I don't want to say I left my mark by cleaning. I'm not tied down with work, I'm not tied down with kids. Why am I tying myself down with cleaning? I've had an itch to do something a little bigger. And I've had this itch for as long as I can remember. I remember it amplified by Shakespeare in 12th grade. Shakespeare's Sonnet 55 opening lines hit me head/heart on:
"Not marble, nor the guilded monuments
of princes, shall outlive this powerful rhyme;"
Not necessarily his most famous phrase, but it stuck with me because it highlights the longevity of good art. If someone produces something worthwhile, it has the potential to live longer than stone, longer than metal, longer that his/her time on good ol' earth. I doubt Shakespeare woke up thinking about what he had to do around the house. He woke up thinking about what he had to create.
I'm going to the gym. Housework will get done.
And I will work on making my mark. After the gym, of course!